How to make a Jew by Shabbat
By Alissa Bittenson
A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi are talking about how they decide, of the money that is taken in by their respective houses of worship, how much goes to G-d and how much is put toward their individual needs.
The Priest says that he takes all the money and puts it on the collection plate. Then he draws a line in the room and throws all the money up in the air; whatever lands on the left side of the line goes to G-d, and whatever lands on the right side goes toward his personal needs.
The Minister says "I do it a little differently. I put all the money on a plate and draw a circle. Then I throw the money up in the air; whatever lands outside of the circle goes to G-d, and whatever lands inside the circle I take for myself."
The Rabbi says "You’re doing it all wrong.
I take all the money and I put it on the plate; I throw it up in the air - whatever
G-d wants, he takes, and whatever comes back down is left for me."
Although filled to the brim with stereotypical insinuations about Jews and their attachment to money, this story allows for an important sociological principle to surface: We all do things differently.
Last year I met one of my really good friends, Jason; and I was the first Jew he had ever met. He knew absolutely nothing about Judaism or the Jewish people, so I filled him in on the key cultural, religious, and spiritual customs associated with the religion.
…and then I gave him pop culture’s summation: Jews are crazy religious, complaining foodies who are obsessed with money, and desperate to have as many Jewish babies as physically possible.
Over the summer, I had the opportunity to expose Jason to some important aspects of the Judaism as a religion, and also to reveal the truth (as little as that may be in some cases) behind stereotypes placed on us as a group of people.
From the very beginning of this project, I claimed as my mission: “How to make a Jew by Shabbat.” 7 days. 7 steps. 1 mission: To debase common misconceptions about Jews.
Step 1: “We’ll take the number four special, but can you separate the turkey from the corned beef on the platter, and can you put the matzo ball in a separate cup; and if you could just get your supervisor over here so we can talk about your substitution policy, that’d be great.” - Food
Might as well start with the most fundamental of a Jew’s needs, right? Any Jewish gathering not involving food must be a sign of either of two things: The lack of a bagel shop within the state or the Apocalypse.
Because food is one of the central pillars of Jewish culture, I took Jason to a famous Jewish deli in the area, Brent’s. Just upon walking into the deli, Jason was startled by how loud and obnoxious hungry Jews can be – crying babies, people talking over each other, a few different screaming matches about the infamous corned beef versus turkey debate, and the loud and incessant crunch of bagel chips.
Although this whole Jewish deli experience was new for Jason, I decided to throw a lot at him at once: I had a very exciting surprise for my unsuspecting friend.
As soon as Jason and I sat down at a table, I got a phone call and left the table for a minute. When I came back, Jason asked me who it was and I somehow evaded answering the surprisingly direct question. A few minutes later my Grandma Arlene walked through the front door of the restaurant, exclaiming, “Alissa, you gave me awful directions!” Jason turned to me and, wrinkling his brow and smirking, rationalized to himself, “You would.”
My Grandma sat down with us and started browsing the menu, reading glasses and all. Picking out the most authentically Jewish dishes, we decided on a kishka, bagel chips, and “Chicken in a Pot” and yes, it was literally a cut-up chicken in a pot of chicken broth with vegetables.
Step 2: “What did you think we were doing in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights? It was no walk in the park, let me tell you…” - Complaining
As we started dividing up the chicken and kishka, I initiated a conversation with my Grandma about growing up on Long Island and the good ol’ times when crime and disease were nothing but a sparkle in the impending dismal future. “Life was so great back then,” she enlightened us, “I remember when gas was only a quarter a gallon, and when I’d pay a nickel for a huge sugar cookie with a dollop of chocolate on top – what a treat that was…”
After deep contemplation of the past and how wonderful things were when people didn’t take advantage of others’ weaknesses, my Grandma started kvetching about…well, let’s see….everything. “Gas is so expensive nowadays…I remember the uproar it caused when it hit $2.00!...I bet that our waitress is spitting in our food because it took us so long to order…what’s taking so long?” and the saga continued. Although complaining can get annoying sometimes, I take it with a grain of salt, understanding that this is an important part of my Grandma’s personality, and I love her all the more for it.
As for Jason, he keyed into laughing and smiling at the right times and responded with the occasional nod or affirmation…but I could see that in the back of his head he was thinking “When is the food going to be here so that we can eat and just stop bitching for like…I don’t know…5 minutes?!”
Step 3: “Is that on sale? What a bargain!” – Discount Shopping
Digging for the truth underneath the overarching stereotype of Jews’ being cheap, Jason and I scoured the nearest mall for good deals. We started off in JCPenny’s, and moved on to Bloomingdale’s…and from then on out we hit up most every store you would likely find a JAP (Jewish American Princess) wandering around in with her Daddy’s credit card.
Step 4: “Did you know…?” – Jew-Hooing
Many Jews take pride in knowing that someone famous, someone smart, someone heroic is someone who also identifies as being Jewish. So Jason and I Jew-hooed for celebrities, and our search yielded some interesting results. Did you know that Ben Stiller, Sarah Jessica Parker, Natalie Portman, William Shatner, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Wynona Ryder are all Jews?! Exciting, I know.
Step 5: “Jew camp: Need I say more?” - Israeli Dancing
A big part of my Jewish identity ever since I was a little kid has been my attendance at Camp Alonim, a relatively local Jew camp. At camp, one activity that most campers get very engaged with is Israeli dancing. It’s not only fun to hop, jump, and skip to the beat of Israeli music, but it also allows people to explore their Jewish identity through movement and to express their feelings through dance. As part of the turn-Jason-into-a-Jew experiment, I taught him two of my favorite Israeli dances from camp (if you’re familiar with them, they were “Balagan” and “Zuz Mitzad L’Tzad”). And although I had to teach him each step of the dance at least twelve times due to an overwhelming frustration of a feet-brain disconnect, I think this experience helped him begin to understand how I was able to discover an important aspect of my Jewish identity through dancing.
Step 6: “Let’s daven!” – Synagogue
One of the most moving parts of this experience for me was when Jason and I visited my synagogue. It was very touching to see someone so eager to learn about something that, to him, was such an unknown domain, something completely new. I taught Jason about one of the most central prayers in Judaism, the Sh’ma, and I had him put on my tallit and kippah in order to gain a better understanding of the ritual aspect of Judaism. Intrigued, Jason asked some very interesting questions about Judaism and its relationship with other contemporary religions. Although uncomfortable at first, Jason came out of the experience with a better understanding of Judaism as a belief system and as a mainstream religion.
Step 7: Circumcision: Sealing the Deal
For any man to be a certifiable Jew…well, you know the drill.
I drew the conclusion earlier that we all do things differently…and what’s wrong with that? Stereotypes about certain groups of people are made mostly out of insecurity and utter ignorance of the unfamiliar. Unfortunately, stereotypes have, do, and will continue to persist. And this is due to the fact that it’s much easier for people to label a group with a given identity than get to know each and every individual of that community before drawing a conclusion about that section of society. However, we can each do our part to start erasing the damage our predecessors have incurred on our generation by making an active effort to dispel illogical and sweeping generalizations about groups of people. What many people fail to realize is that we all have multi-faceted identities – we’re not just the jock, the princess, the Jew, but we can be all of those things at once. The key is learning to appreciate people for their differences and using our diversity as an educational tool to help broaden our horizons, and then we can start to see the world not only as being made up of singular identities, but as many different people with numerous, but appreciated, differences. The only thing standing between us and a more tolerant society is our only enemy: ignorance.<< New Text >>
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