A Paradise Lost: the Sand, the Beach and the Jews

By Alissa Bittenson

Food.  Babies.  Curly hair.  There must be Jews nearby.

    During the weekend of February 8-10, over 600 students from 16 different Chabads on the West Coast came together to reflect on the week past, to look forward to the one to follow, and to celebrate the sanctity of Shabbat…all within a few short blocks of the beach.

    So let’s see: sitting in an overly-cold room, separated by gender….or chilling by the beach?  Umm…What is the latter, Alex?

    Don’t get me wrong; overall, the Shabbaton was a great time, but when such an opportunity as going to the beach is put at odds with Saturday morning prayer, the sand and sun seems to pull me closer like a roped cow.  But the beckoning seas fail to mention the others that it is hosting…aka “the creepers.” 

Now, when I say “creepers,” I’m not only talking about insects.
This Shabbaton not only hosted undergraduate students from all over the West Coast, but graduate and graduated students as well.  I swear: these guys must have the most stereotypical Jewish mothers around.  I can just hear the nagging now…“[in a thick Yiddish accent] Daniel, you just might find your future wife this weekend, and G-d knows that I want grandchildren!”  I must have been hit on by at least 6 creepy Jewish men while I was trying to enjoy my book in the garden overlooking the beach.  After number 6, I gave up on making any progress in my book and sluggishly made my way back to services.

    As a practicing Conservative Jew, I have always known Orthodox and Hassidic Jews for their chutspa and spirit…but I didn’t know that it only came from one side of the divider.  Sitting in the room where we had services, the women and men were separated by a divider, a custom of Jewish Orthodoxy. 
During services, the women seemed very calm, mowing through their routine prayers while their husbands, brothers, sons, and friends partied it up on the other side.  Shoving their chairs to the outer edges of that side of the room, the men circled up and danced, sang, and chanted along with the prayers.  I almost stood up myself and rounded up all of women for a rousing Hora, but I am not very familiar with Orthodox customs and thought that might be offensive to some…so I sat in my seat, ankles crossed, head in my Siddur, conforming to what I was simply ignorant of, and tried to decipher some meaning out of the service. 

Above all, I would have to say that I was confused.  Why didn’t the women do as the men did?  Is there a gender schema that I am missing here?  Whatever the case may have been, I decided to suck it up and deal with it.

When G-d told the Jews to go out and multiply, we really took Him seriously.  There were kids ranging from only a few months to 11 or 12 years old.  But not just a few kids…we could have had 3 or 4 Minyans made up of children alone.  But hey, we’re Jews: we pray, we have babies, and we eat.

And did we eat.  I have never, in my whole life, seen so much food in one place.  I feel like the people who run the Chabad at UCSB bought-out the nearest Costco.  I mean, seriously!  The first night, I sat down after a long day of travel and was completely psyched to start stuffing my face…so I did.  On the table at the time was challah, hummus, gefilte fish, and salad: I ate like there was no tomorrow. 

About 15 minutes after I had eaten a gratuitous amount of food, I asked my friend when we were planning on leaving.  She looking at me, very confused, and filled me in: those were just part of the appetizers.  I almost gave up then and there, but what can I say?  I’m a trooper…let’s be honest here: the food was free and I’m a Jew.

After I thoroughly gorged myself with food, I went scavenging.  I was a Jew on the prowl.  This was a gathering of over 600 Jews…all in one tent…and many of those 600 were men.  Good-looking Jewish boys, all in one place, all equipped with Jew-fros; as far as I was concerned, this was my battlefield.
But, of course, there’s a catch: the next day, all of those good-looking Jews were not nearly as cute, sitting with their heads between their legs and hands on their heads due to underestimations of wine tolerance.

    So, let’s tally-up the final score: a beautiful beach, “creepers” who ruined the beach experience, loud and spirited Jewish men, too many babies to count, enough food to choke a gaggle of geese, a heck of a lot of Joyvin, and fun for all.  Yep, that sounds like a successful Jewish gathering to me.